Patriotic Inculcation

Here are some more details about how this equipment I'm hooked up to works.

At random intervals between 0800 and 2200, 6 times a day, I am issued a summons (that's actually the word they used on the form) by the interventionist. Strangely enough, the summons is in the form of a loud, abrasive, electronic beep which alternates between a higher and lower tone. It's a little like a police car siren and gets your attention pretty quickly. Before this program began, I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to hear it over the movies or music playing on the surround sound system I have (which can almost blast the paint off the walls), but that has proven not to be a concern.

I then have to pick up the device and hold it up to my mouth. That sets off some type of sensor, which shuts off the siren. The unit then beeps every so often for up to 3 minutes, which is the time to have a quick rinse. It then lets out another single-tone loud beep, which means it's time to begin.

There is a voice recognition system built into the device. This is obviously so that I can't substitute someone else's presence in the house where I am required to remain. This device knows it's me because when I went it to get it, I had to sit there and repeat the same three words over and over again until it learned to recognize my voice print. Those three words are:

1. Red
2. Eagle
3. America

I assume that these 3 words are the same for each device. That would probably make it easier to design and/or program its electronics. But why pick those words? Why not Road, Seagull, and Coniferous, for example? Could it be that they were chosen on purpose to remind me that I'm under the supervision of the government?

Anyway, once the test begins, the device will play a recording of my voice saying one of those three words. It then beeps, at which point I have to repeat the word. If it can't understand me, it will tell me to speak louder or softer. It appears to pick about 7 words at random, and once it's happy that I am in in fact the one speaking to it, it instructs me to inhale. No, this doesn't mean that it's OK to get high, but rather that the breathalyzer test is coming next.

Another purpose of the mouth/face sensor I mentioned earlier is to make sure I don't speak into the device and then have someone else blow into it. Were I to remove the device from my face after the voice recognition portion, it would complain loudly and make me restart the whole process. Presumably if that were to happen more than a few times, it would report me as being in violation.

If you've ever taken a breathalyzer, you may remember how much force is required to get it to register a reading. Then again, you might have been so hammered you don't remember. So far I'm only getting about a 50% success rate on the first go, which means I have to do it again. Once the device successfully registers your breath, it beeps once more, at which point the test is over. I've been told not to use the phone line for about 15 minutes afterwards so that it can call in the results to whatever computer is monitoring me. The people at the agency that works with the court tell me that the device is calling an 800 number, so there won't be any charges to me, but I don't really believe them - especially considering their inability to accomplish simple office tasks. Another tipoff came in the contract I had to sign when I received this equipment, which contained some wording whereby I agreed to hold the agencies and the company that manufactures this device harmless from any claim for call charges on this line that may arise.

I couldn't get out of signing the contract that contained that last provision, but somebody in the agency's office apparently wasn't paying close attention, because I definitely did not sign the part acknowledging receipt of this equipment or the part that said I would be responsible for any damages to it (it's apparently worth close to $5,000 all together). I just might have to drop it down the stairs a few times when it's time to bring it back. Whoops!

To sum it up: I have to answer to a police siren and then repeat those three magic words above 6 times a day for 60 days. Maybe after the 2000th time saying one of those words I'll be overcome with a desire to run out to the local recruiting station and join up! Then again, I already have this (and a couple of his others) hanging on my walls, so 360+ repetitions of "eagle" probably won't have much of an impact.